John Walker & Sons fear 1Q08 Crisis
AP, John Walker & Sons of Kilmarnock, Scotland has today signalled to the market a significant reduction in 2008 1st Quarter Profits. As it's stakeholders ingested the slightly bitter news, the burning sensation was felt by many, specifically, shareholders who experienced severe decreases in stock price brought on by declinging market expectations.
The world famous producers of blended scotch whiskey made this announcement in lieu of expected falling demand over the next 40 days. When questioned as to why this exact time period, Mr. Alexander Walker smugly answered, justifiably and to some degree obviously so, in one word, "Lent".
He continued, "As millions of deluxe scotch whisky drinkers worldwide forego the vice that is our product in the name of religious sacrifice, we anticipate a marked decrease in sales demand. However, we are relying on heathenous customers, oh we love them so, to continue taking nips and sips in the wee hours of the morning, whilst their wives sleep of course. This and increased and improved marketing campaigns in non-Christian markets will ensure the continued success of this household brand name. Also, as always, we can always rely on black market sales. Though, I emphatically state that we do not condone the black market. Did someone get that on tape?"
He concluded by stating that 2Q sales are anticipated to be record breaking as loyal customers are expected to make up for "lost consumption time" experienced over the Lenten period.
In other news, Fernandes Breweries Ltd.'s Chairman laughed, moreso scoffed at the notion of falling rum sales during the Lenten season. He simply and condescendingly replied that, "Rum is yuh lover, rum is yuh friend, you drink it today, you drink it forever, ahkayla, have no fearrrrrrrrrr, yuh wha yuh rum in de morning, yuh wha yuh rum in de evening, yuh could bring it in ah bottle, yuh could bring it in ah chalice..."
The world famous producers of blended scotch whiskey made this announcement in lieu of expected falling demand over the next 40 days. When questioned as to why this exact time period, Mr. Alexander Walker smugly answered, justifiably and to some degree obviously so, in one word, "Lent".
He continued, "As millions of deluxe scotch whisky drinkers worldwide forego the vice that is our product in the name of religious sacrifice, we anticipate a marked decrease in sales demand. However, we are relying on heathenous customers, oh we love them so, to continue taking nips and sips in the wee hours of the morning, whilst their wives sleep of course. This and increased and improved marketing campaigns in non-Christian markets will ensure the continued success of this household brand name. Also, as always, we can always rely on black market sales. Though, I emphatically state that we do not condone the black market. Did someone get that on tape?"
He concluded by stating that 2Q sales are anticipated to be record breaking as loyal customers are expected to make up for "lost consumption time" experienced over the Lenten period.
In other news, Fernandes Breweries Ltd.'s Chairman laughed, moreso scoffed at the notion of falling rum sales during the Lenten season. He simply and condescendingly replied that, "Rum is yuh lover, rum is yuh friend, you drink it today, you drink it forever, ahkayla, have no fearrrrrrrrrr, yuh wha yuh rum in de morning, yuh wha yuh rum in de evening, yuh could bring it in ah bottle, yuh could bring it in ah chalice..."
posted by gerardmedwards at 6:00 PM
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