When I was a child...

This is serious factual stuff. As I pretend to remember them or make them up, of course.

I think that I've turned into a really intelligent adult. Which is amazing to me. Because as I look back, I was a pretty stupid child.

I remember thinking as a child that playing with a chicken was against the law. So much so that my grandmother had chickens in her back yard in Laventille and I would stay far from them, until it was time to eat them of course. Why? I was always hearing news reports of people dying and police suspecting fowl play. Hmph! You feel I goin' an' dead fuh playing with any chicken?

Then in the same train of thought, I was always waiting on the police to come and arrest my grandmother's chickens. I would warn the chickens to shut up! Why? My father told me using fowl language was against the law. Those blasted law breaking chickens.

Quite frequently, as a little boy, I was asked what kinda car I want to drive when I get older. I proudly said, I want a 16. A 16? I never understood why people watched me funny after saying that. 4 x 4 is 16, DUH!

I think I listened to too much news as child. News scared me. I remember waiting for those violent hearts, I was ready for them, unlike them fellas in de news, I wasn't prepared to die from no heart attack. Consequently two of my grandparents died from that. But now I know better...

There is one particular thing that I remember vaguely, it's so fresh in my mind as if it were yesterday, it's my mixing up of when to use "vividly" and "vaguely" when writing essays...

The Statistics of Punch

No Frank, not Sunday Punch statistics. Calm down...

So.

There I was a few moons ago on the main road in the city that never sleeps, St. James, and if it does ever, I'm sure it doesn't get an eight hours full night's quota without tossing and turning, and disturbing Woodbrook and Environs.

The wait was long, of course with no order system, who bigger and badder than who orders first whether they now reach or they were there when the punch man was setting up blender and bussin ice bag.

The wait was long, so much so that I had time. Time not so much as to reflect, but more so to make observations that were absurd, or as I will now make up the word, absurvations. These absurvations span culture, race, ethnicity, morality, political affiliation and every other thing one can imagine, even by one's furthest stretch of, to be politically incorrect.

I then went home in Microsoft Excel and decided to tabulate the data collected via my absurvations. The data was then tested at my 100% confidence level as follows: -

1. Mean - the average customer was mean because they now come for punch and mus get punch before the 50 million people who were obviously there before them

2. Median - this statistic is not applicable as St. James does not have a highway

3. Mode - the mode and conduct of those patronizing the punch man was very poor

4. Standard Deviation - 5% of the people deviated from paying the punch man, this, based on my judgement, is probably behaviour that is standard

5. Confidence Level Upper Limit - 99% of the men ordering punch were very confident in its ability to make them sexual stallions of the greatest breed to ever set foot, all four mind you, on this earth

6. Confidence Level Lower Limit - 99% of the men ordering punch by the end of the night, and unfortunately so, would realize that the only thing that the punch would help them to get up and keep up for extended periods of time is their calorific intake for the day and blood sugar level

Other statistics include: -

7. 100% of the women passing in the road were inappropriately dressed for their weight, horizontal, vertical and diagonal dimensions and general circumference of their stomachs

8. 100% of women from (7.) above, yet still, were suited by 99% of the men buying punch

9. 2 in every 4 vehicles (that is half) that passed on the main road had a distorted sound system and were playing ganja farmer (or so I gathered since the music was so distorted)

10. 50% of the people waiting to buy punch had ringtones of songs my hears have yet to ear

11. Average time of collection for a punch from moment of ordering is 29 minutes 32 seconds. Mutliply by a factor of 1.29230928329 if you are purchasing more than one.

12. Number of times I will go back to St. James for punch this year = 0

13. Chances that no. 12 is a lie = 3 in 4..........cause de punch does taste so damn good, it worth de wait!

Besides, would I have had time to share this info with the world? I wonder if the Central Statistical Office will publish this in their Annual Statistics Report? I think I'll go right now and call to find out...